When your body rebels..,

So what you may not have got from my posts so far is that I am 7.5 months pregnant.  So far it’s been an easy journey compared to what some women go through. The hardest thing I have dealt with was 5.5 months of vomiting and nausea.

Picture1So then my 28 week blood tests came back…

Apparently I am not as healthy as I thought it was and maybe this pregnancy isn’t going as well as I had hoped or maybe it is and I am over reacting. I just don’t know.

I am anemic – this didn’t bother me too much it’s nothing some iron tablets won’t fix. What bothered me was that my glucose screening test came back slightly elevated.  Which means I have to go back for a longer test and that I may have gestational diabetes? I mean WTF?

I live a generally healthy lifestyle – I was active and have been active through my pregnancy – I mean I walk 4-6km every second day, run round after my family and still participate in as much as I can safely due to the stage of my pregnancy. Very rarely will you hear me say “I can’t, I’m pregnant”.  I generally eat well – not perfectly, but well enough that I have never had any health worries in my adult life up til now.

I don’t even know what to make of this – I did some research online and I don’t meet any of the pre-determining factors for this particular pregnancy issue – I wasn’t overweight before I fell pregnant, there is no history of family diabetes that I’m aware of, my last baby was not large, and I don’t have a history of high blood sugar.  Oh wait, I meet one – I’m over 30. This could be it. My age.

To be honest, I’m terrified – I know it’s manageable. I know that it’s not likely to effect me or baby long term but even though my midwife has said that the amount I was elevated was barely enough to worry over, but we have to do the second test just in case. But it doesn’t change the fact that something is not quite right in my body. I still feel guilty – it is my job to protect my small alien and I feel like I may be failing.

I am aware of the fact that it could just be because my body cannot keep up with the amount of insulin it needs to produce right now to keep me and baby healthy, and that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this happening but it am still upset, this is not something I expected  and I have spent a lot of time questioning what I could have done differently – perhaps not had that ice cream at the beach over summer?

I have read and re-read medical information on what this could mean for me and baby and it has made me angry because it talks about managing my exercise and diet. I do both of these already. Again, I have to remind myself it might just be something I cannot change about this pregnancy, there may have been nothing I could have done to change these blood sugars being a tad high and again I know compared to some women I don’t have much to worry about it, but I do.

It bothers me that I have kept myself healthy, fit and well before and during my pregnancy but my body feels like it can betray me a bit by doing as it pleases. It bothers me that I have basically no control over this and it bothers me that even though I know this isn’t my fault, I still blame myself.

Oh and to add to the mama bear guilt – my oldest small girl was in the car when I spoke to my midwife so heard everything and saw my reaction but that is a story for another day on how do you comfort your child when you are struggling to comfort yourself?!

So yesterday, became a mental health day as I was feeling pretty darn emotional and fragile over it all. I spent the day curled in bed watching movies and snuggling my dog and husband. Who has tried his best to comfort me, saying all the right things and just being there but who will also freely admit he doesn’t understand my concerns. I still have the second test to go, why am I worrying? It’s probably nothing?

But dear sir – it could be.

So in typical me style, I have over thought the whole issue. I have made myself meal plans to follow, I am exercising every day (sometimes twice a day) rather than every second day and I am slowing down a bit to focus on my needs a bit more.  Even if this stinky second test comes back negative, there is nothing wrong with a few more lifestyle changes, right?!

So wish me luck for my second test – I have every part of my body crossed that these slightly raised blood sugars were because of something I ate that morning before I took the test and that maybe I can have a slice or two of pizza next weekend…

Information from: http://www.diabetes.org.nz/about_diabetes/gestational_diabetes

Protective Instincts…

A few nights ago, my angry wife instincts were on high.  In fact I have sat on posting this for a few days because I wasn’t sure it was appropriate, so I checked with the person who, for this particular post mattered most, and he said to go for it.  So here it is.

Last Friday night, I received an email at 8pm at night, well after work hours that made me so mad I just couldn’t comprehend what I had actually read.  The email brought up a lot of anger at how people take my husband for granted. I was so hurt and upset at how I have seen my husband treated by people he was meant to be able to trust.  Not to mention how disrespectful specific people had and have continued to be towards him. I wanted to punch them in the face.  Luckily, when I read what was being said to others via email he was next door, having drinks with a friends, it gave me time to breathe.

My need to protect the people I love is high. I automatically wanted to respond to this email I had received at some dumb hour with a whole bunch of expletives expressing my feelings about the issue but I couldn’t.

You see we work together. We have for the last 3 years and we work together well. We have different roles. We work in different areas and have not a lot to do with each other in a company sense and as his wife and an employee of the company I need to keep professional distance from certain situations.

Normally I am okay with this. I rant to a friend, a close friend and she can normally talk me down. Which is perfect. I know it is not my place to go running to his defense. He is a grown man and he can fight his own battles and he does this well. He has his morals and values and the choices he has made recently are within these.

My job is to support him. I think I do this well and if I’m being honest, I am much more emotional then him, so at times I know for a fact I react far more to situations then he ever will or will ever see a need to. The moment I feel someone, in this case him, has been mistreated by those he trusted and believed in, I get mad.

We have been together 7 years, married for almost two and in that time I have seen him work so hard that it has almost broken him. I have felt what it’s like to come second to his job but been okay with it as it wasn’t going to be forever. I have seen him be there for staff when they were struggling and put his own needs last because the company required everything from him for one reason or another. And so to see him treated like crap by his peers made me angry – I was and still am hurt on his behalf.

He tells me I don’t need to be – he is okay with it – and believe me I am trying to be okay with it.  He smiles and tells me, although what’s happened isn’t ideal, it will be okay and I love him enough to leave it alone because I know he is trying to comfort me. Yet, I know it must hurt and that he must be feeling betrayed by what has happened because as his wife,  I know how much he loved what he did and I can imagine how hurt I would be if I had been treated this way.

I guess this is what part of what being a wife is – Listening, supporting and being there particularly when things are not going quite right. He does not need protection from the big bad world, I know he can deal with it and he does and he does it well. But even though I know this – I still want to protect him from it.

So here is to my husband. Who listens to me rant on his behalf. Who listens as I jump up and down in anger at how he has been treated. Who I know, is already aware of everything I am saying to him because it is happening to him and he feels it all more keenly then I do – for allowing me to be me and after I am done – smiling at me and telling me it will be okay and that he is okay, it could be a lot worse. Thank you for being you – I have a lot to learn from your quieter, more gentle way of approaching life.