12 weeks ago…

So 12 weeks ago, I gave birth to my second girl.  Towards the end of my third trimester I stopped writing as I had so much going on in my life personally finding time to write was just not possible.  Twelve weeks in – I am finally finding my feet, feeling more like me again.

I spent weeks 34 to 38 of my pregnancy in and out of hospital appointments, scans and of all things breast clinics.  On top of my gestational diabetes, my baby decided to stop growing and I discovered a lump in my right breast.  Of all the things I had been through the lump was the worst.  I couldn’t find it in me to write without bursting into tears and what my life had become – I was a ball of anxiety and fear.

In week 37, I got my lump biopsied and luckily it was a fibroadenoma which is a non – malignant lump.  This horrible lump will be getting removed when I stop feeding my baby as I hate it with a passion.  It needs to go.

In week 38, I got induced as my girl’s weight according to scans plummeted from the 90th percentile, to the 50th – in reality she was born in the 20th percentile which is all the more horrifying because how could all those scans be so so wrong?!

The labour was 2 hours long from start to finish once it started but my girls heart beat kept dropping to below safe levels.  There was no calm labour for this small girl.  She was pulled into this world as quickly as possible.  She was not breathing when she arrived – I saw her for 30 seconds max, before they took her away.  It was 15 – 20 minutes before they brought her back to me.

But my girl is here.  She is safe.  We are 12 weeks in, that’s right, 3 months and how that time has flown.  For all the stress, anxiety and health problems I faced – we made it.  Through the 4 days in hospital due to small miss having low blood sugar, the jaundice which nearly saw us hospitalised again, the anxiety around would I be able to breast feed or not and the many sleepless nights.  We made it.

So to all the mama’s to be out there and, well, to the all the mama’s in general facing their very own battles – I hear you.  I have your back.  We have to stick together.  Pregnancy, birthing, motherhood – what a journey it takes us on.

Oh and welcome to the world Isla Dawn – You are very much loved and adored.

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It’s officially official! 

I haven’t posted in a while. I have had a bit going on health wise with the little lady living inside me and I have taken quite a bit of time just for me, to get my head around the changes going on in my body.

My body which has decided, against my better judgement to slow down it’s insulin making and cause me to be officially diagnosed with gestational diabetes. But it is what it is.

My job is to help my body the best way I can and much to my disgust, this means being very careful with what I eat. I am an absolute lover of food so this change has not been easy for me. Quite simply – I miss pizza and all the other foods I took for granted before now. 

However, I am also lucky that it is not forever and that realistically if I do my best now there is likely to be no long term effects for baby or her future.   Or mine for that matter. And that I have only got 6.5 more weeks of pricking my stinking fingers. The women who do this from early pregnancy, I have so much respect for you, it’s been hard and I have only been doing it a week and a half! 

And before anyone thinks to ask – I did nothing to cause this. I was fit and healthy, ate well and looked after myself and baby.  Even my midwife was surprised when the test came back positive as I tick none of the boxes that indicate I should have this. But I do. It is hormonal, no woman wants to deal with this – it’s not an exclusive club that we strive to enter, its our bodies struggling a bit through some massive changes. That’s it.  That’s all it is. 

The big GD – I have it. It’s a pain. But it could be worse. There is nothing like a bit of reality to help you realise that it could always be worse. For me this came when a friend of mine with a newborn shared the fact she is starting treatment for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  Suddenly, my whinging was checked, and I realised in the scheme of things it could be so much worse.

So here is to 6 more weeks of stabbing my fingers and prayers to friend and her family as she starts her chemo.  

PS: the picture is of my new bestie – it travels with me everywhere!

When your body rebels..,

So what you may not have got from my posts so far is that I am 7.5 months pregnant.  So far it’s been an easy journey compared to what some women go through. The hardest thing I have dealt with was 5.5 months of vomiting and nausea.

Picture1So then my 28 week blood tests came back…

Apparently I am not as healthy as I thought it was and maybe this pregnancy isn’t going as well as I had hoped or maybe it is and I am over reacting. I just don’t know.

I am anemic – this didn’t bother me too much it’s nothing some iron tablets won’t fix. What bothered me was that my glucose screening test came back slightly elevated.  Which means I have to go back for a longer test and that I may have gestational diabetes? I mean WTF?

I live a generally healthy lifestyle – I was active and have been active through my pregnancy – I mean I walk 4-6km every second day, run round after my family and still participate in as much as I can safely due to the stage of my pregnancy. Very rarely will you hear me say “I can’t, I’m pregnant”.  I generally eat well – not perfectly, but well enough that I have never had any health worries in my adult life up til now.

I don’t even know what to make of this – I did some research online and I don’t meet any of the pre-determining factors for this particular pregnancy issue – I wasn’t overweight before I fell pregnant, there is no history of family diabetes that I’m aware of, my last baby was not large, and I don’t have a history of high blood sugar.  Oh wait, I meet one – I’m over 30. This could be it. My age.

To be honest, I’m terrified – I know it’s manageable. I know that it’s not likely to effect me or baby long term but even though my midwife has said that the amount I was elevated was barely enough to worry over, but we have to do the second test just in case. But it doesn’t change the fact that something is not quite right in my body. I still feel guilty – it is my job to protect my small alien and I feel like I may be failing.

I am aware of the fact that it could just be because my body cannot keep up with the amount of insulin it needs to produce right now to keep me and baby healthy, and that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this happening but it am still upset, this is not something I expected  and I have spent a lot of time questioning what I could have done differently – perhaps not had that ice cream at the beach over summer?

I have read and re-read medical information on what this could mean for me and baby and it has made me angry because it talks about managing my exercise and diet. I do both of these already. Again, I have to remind myself it might just be something I cannot change about this pregnancy, there may have been nothing I could have done to change these blood sugars being a tad high and again I know compared to some women I don’t have much to worry about it, but I do.

It bothers me that I have kept myself healthy, fit and well before and during my pregnancy but my body feels like it can betray me a bit by doing as it pleases. It bothers me that I have basically no control over this and it bothers me that even though I know this isn’t my fault, I still blame myself.

Oh and to add to the mama bear guilt – my oldest small girl was in the car when I spoke to my midwife so heard everything and saw my reaction but that is a story for another day on how do you comfort your child when you are struggling to comfort yourself?!

So yesterday, became a mental health day as I was feeling pretty darn emotional and fragile over it all. I spent the day curled in bed watching movies and snuggling my dog and husband. Who has tried his best to comfort me, saying all the right things and just being there but who will also freely admit he doesn’t understand my concerns. I still have the second test to go, why am I worrying? It’s probably nothing?

But dear sir – it could be.

So in typical me style, I have over thought the whole issue. I have made myself meal plans to follow, I am exercising every day (sometimes twice a day) rather than every second day and I am slowing down a bit to focus on my needs a bit more.  Even if this stinky second test comes back negative, there is nothing wrong with a few more lifestyle changes, right?!

So wish me luck for my second test – I have every part of my body crossed that these slightly raised blood sugars were because of something I ate that morning before I took the test and that maybe I can have a slice or two of pizza next weekend…

Information from: http://www.diabetes.org.nz/about_diabetes/gestational_diabetes